It's been a year and two months since my last Ironman. I promised myself a year to just take it easy and really rest my body and more important shed the invincibility cloak and be regular.
In the past year, I have worked out when I felt like it and didn't went I didn't. I did regular people do and chose work and excuses over getting to the gym. I ate what I wanted and really didn't eat terrible but did eat without regard. I am happy to say I have hit rock bottom and now it's time to get back in the game. I am planning one hell of a come back. I am happy to say all the years of eating healthy and working out has made it impossible to ignore how difficult it has been to just let things go.
I did take the break for another important reason and that was to be present in my life. I used exercise and eating and trying to leap tall buildings with a single bound as a distraction to being present. I had wise counsel that say said "just sit with the feelings" the ones that brought yucky stuff to the surface and lots of times the good ones too. It was time to really be present in my life and try to figure out whether I could manage not to run away or hide from myself. I know -- deeper than "eat less move more" as a life plan and way more complicated than dieting but after two half Ironman races and two full IM races in two years with a major life change (a divorce) and a number of other obstacles (career shift, life shift -daughter leaving for college and giving up my personal training business) Not only is that a run on sentence it's a S*$# storm of a life.
----- I needed to see if the stuff I was chasing would matter much when I wasn't chasing it or measure who I am by it when I didn't have much to brag about. You see many of the people I know who do big things might tell you they aren't sure why they do it - it just has to be done. For me, I just wonder when you give yourself permission to rest and not chase things that don't seem to change your life all that dramatically, is life better?
So here I am... fairly unsatisfied with my new resolve of just sitting with my feelings and a new perspective. I plan to be present and use the time I rested to fuel the next wave of kicking butt and taking names.
I needed the time off - it was so important. I realized that much of what I did was to prove something to the audience of one. I just had to learn to be "the one". My hamster wheel was put in the cage by someone else and now I needed to dismantle the nonsense and really be deliberate which helped in being present.
Who are you? Why do you do what you do? Have you enjoyed the success or just kept moving the finish line?
I am certain the break in being perfect is the time when titanium breaks.... sometimes it's a necessary thing.
If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.
Lao Tzu
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